NOW WERE SAYING BYE, BYE, BYE-

IVE LOST MY SENCE OF WHO I AM.
i hate on others, for always wanting something better, or trying too hard.
well what am i doing? I don't even recognise my own personality anymore, my sence of humor conform's too others.. which i dont like to admit; I am currently trying far too hard for someone, who doesn't even appreciate, and will never even notice me. I'm no different than everyone else, and everyone has proved me wrong, and im just coming too realize, how unhappy i am. Im currently, always looking for something better, newsflash chels; this is all im getting. "they see right through me"
I feel like no one special lately, no one wanted in any way.. like a bother.
I love my friends, but i take them for granted, i want a boyfriend.. but im sick of looking for one.
i think it concludes too BEING MYSELF.

STOP CONFORMING.
even I, wouldnt see a need too meet myself.
because im not a true person, not truthful, or real.
i want MY personality back, i want too be happy, all the time. i just want too be..


me!

I WAS ALL ALONE, YOU WERE ALL I HAD-

I dont understand, why people always jump too such drastic assumptions. The things that wont matter in five minutes, are the things we get most flustered about. The people who will ALWAYS be around are the ones you treat the worst, for no reason. Except for the simple fact that they will always be around, you just feel the need too test them. Giving into the stupidest little fights, might make someones day. I'm learning too stop being so stubborn, and too stop testing the people i truely love. I make mistakes, and so do you.. i understand now. I see how sad it is too loose friendships with others as well, you won't loose the ones your closest with, you will just hurt them, and there is NO need for that. I'm sorry too every friend, i have ever upset, by just being cruel. I'm so sorry.
I do sometimes wonder where i would be today, if i hadn't lost all of my old friendships, and sometimes when i feel so alone, all i want is those friendships back.
I dont regret them though, i dont mind where i am today at all. My friends that are here, now, and always have been, are something i wouldnt give up for the entire world, and then some.
Jaymie, Sarah, and Chelsea..
you mean everything too me, and i love you so much.

DONT BLINK, DONT CLOSE YOUR EYES-

10. If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
yes. but, im not sure if it would be worth it.

Why can't we just always be happy, or content with the things that happen too us? Im aware, that our decisions each and every day, make our lifes what they are. And ''everything happens for a reason,'' i do want too understand that quote. And i would love too know who thought of that also, was that just a phrase too keep people going, and make theirselves believe that every situation isnt as bad as they think it is. I know, that everytime i'm in a bad mood lately, i just like too think that someone has it way worse than i do. And the small, gay, stupid, things that are ruining my day, are generally nothing too even worry about. I try not too get as flustered about the little things lately, and just let them blow over, because tomorrow, or in ten minutes they wont matter anyways. Its not worth fighting with your very best friends over dumb things, because you might end up saying something that you will regret, and that will actually hurt their feelings, ive done it enough times too know. I never intentionally mean too hurt others feelings, but sometimes i truely believe that i just dont care, and thats not fair, too anyone. I dont want too be around people that dont care enough about me, but i always just expect people too want too be around me if they ask me too hang out, im done hurting others feelings, intentionally. Everyone makes mistakes.
I'm done trying too incredibally much also. If people dont want too be-friend me, there is no need for me too try so hard. i want all my relationships too go in two directions. I want too be needed as much as the next person.
I will try, but i wont try so hard, that i just feel used, and that i wasted my time in the end.

LIVE YOUR LIFE, dont waste these years. because you'll miss them so much,
so soon.

BUT THAT WAS MISTAKE NUMBER TWO-

This title couldn't possibly fit any more perfect. I would fall again, if i had the chance too. I'm so wrapped around old ideas, i just cant let them go. I want summer back, absolutly EVERYTHING about it, it was such a perfect summer, and i didnt even realize it. nothing could compare too it, not too mention i figured out more about myself than i had ever known, i became more.. "me." No one's perfect, i'm fully aware.. and i find myself wanting too tell others that they just made a mistake, because I dont like the outcome,
REALIZATION; Chelsea; its not your life too live.
I more than just need to understand, i can only run my own life, and i clearly cant make others like me, no matter howw hard i try. I will never 'get you back,'
and your going too fall.. for one of my bestfriends, i can only wish you the best, even though it will be the hardest things for me too do.. ever, I'm sorry that i dont quite know how too completly feel happy for someone, without this voice in the back of my head saying, 'this isnt how it was supposed too end'' i just want too be happy, for you, and everything you have/get, that i never will.
IM SO JELOUS.
and you'll prolly never even understand. Im so mad, i messed up. Im so sad, i let go. Im so dissapointed, you gave up.
"ILL TAKE YOU BACK, IF YOULL HAVE ME."
anyday, ever. And, god. i wish it wasen't that way.

YOU DONT UNDERSTAND-YOU DONT UNDERSTAND..

Writings like an addiction once you get started. Most of the time i dont know how i would like too word things i say too others, until i realize all i have too do is take the time to think it out clearly, and realize that my words actually might hurt others. I never have the intention of hurting others, because.. just because. Things in life can change so fast, i've finallyy come too realize. ive come too realize that i need my friends too, more than anything... anything.

I really dont think im that difficult too deal with, most of the time. But, im so fortunate for the ones that have stuck around with me, the ones who dont mind my stupid-ness.. the ones who dont mind me not being organized, not saying sorry sometimes..
Im so fortunate to have found the ones, that realize im not perfect.. and they accept that.
I cant thank you guys enough, because quite frankly,

your absolutly amazing.

I wont try too get you back, but i wouldnt turn you away if you did come back..

WELL THE CLOSEST OF FRIENDS. WASN'T QUITE CLOSE ENOUGH-

You really think things are going too change?
I more than just hope so, and im trying so hard. Eleven years is way too long to spend with someone, and just let them go. I understand how hard it is for people too keep their friendships, when they have so many others around them, constantly making obsticles for them. I've seen quite enough friendships fail in my years, i always thought ours would make it over all the obsticles, but like i said before.. things change. For everyone, constantly, its something you just cant stop. "HOPE PREVAILS," everyday. I never want too loose you, the days that we talk, we say everything will be okay, and well go back to 'normal,' what is normal anymore.. camping, horseback-riding, hospital visits =], bike riding.. i miss it all. or falling asleep on the trampoline, and your mom has too come get us before we burnt like lobsters.. i want it back, more than you could even imagine. I'm trying so hard, i hope you know.

"PLEASE DONT GO- CAUSE I CANT DO THIS ALONE."
i need you.i miss you. i love you.


"SO LETS JUST LIVE IN THIS MOMENT, AND PRETEND THAT WE OWN IT."

lets make this friendship work, like before, like forever, were more than capable.



meet me halfway?

SO I DRAW IN THE ANGER. AND HEAD FOR THE LIGHT-

BITCH; bitch /bɪtʃ/ -noun 1. a female dog.

Also, the most commonly used term, in efforts too hurt others feelings. Yes its over used, and has almost lost its complete meaning,
almost.

Were not close, and i really wish we were, i love you so much. I get so mad at you sometimes, and i yell, and i say mean things. But when i overhear you say "sometimes i say things that i dont mean too say, and than i regret saying it." You remind me exactly of myself, what a coinsidence. You've hurt my feelings many times, but too hear you say that, makes me realize how many times i regret saying things, soon after i say them. I'm sorry, will always work between us two. Your doing your best, you always have, I wish we were so much closer than we are.. sometimes i think its weird when other girls are soo close with their mom's.. but maybe thats just because im so jelous,
I'm sorry, because i know i hurt your feelings a million more times than i should, and.. karma always comes back around.

I love you.